“You are too confrontational”; so, you want to gossip?

A few years ago, I joined what I thought was supposed to be one of my dream organizations. I have written about that place before in one of my posts and I described the experience as equal to a nightmare.

And there is one particular incident that, now that I think about it, I laugh.

Not because I would have done anything differently then, but because I most likely would have done worse now.

There was this workshop and implementation training we were assisting an institution with. It was a cyber risk implementation job. It had actually been my first time ever doing that kind of implementation, but I had been on that project from the very beginning. I was part of the team from the get-go.

So naturally, when the time came for the team to be selected for the trip and training, I thought it was normal that I would go.

Then the manager on the job asked me whether there was anything they needed to know before we traveled.

And innocently, innocently, I said:

“Oh, I sometimes get motion sickness on very long trips, but I have stuff I use to handle it, so it’s fine.”

That was it.

A lot of people have motion sickness. It does not mean you cannot travel.

At the time, I genuinely thought I was just being responsible. Sometimes you feel like there are things you should disclose beforehand so you do not go and surprise people later.

Now?

I do not think I will ever mention something like that to anybody again.

Because after communicating that innocently, the aftermath became another thing altogether.

That innocent comment was later used against me.

Fast forward.

Not too long before the trip, an intern was added to our project. Level 300 student at one of the universities in Ghana who could not even spell properly. I do not even want to mince words. This guy could not even write dates correctly.

If you asked him to edit a document, he would not even take the time to read through the thing properly.

And when he could not do something, somehow I would get yelled at because apparently I was supposed to “correct him.”

Fine.

Then when the time for the trip finally came, I was informed that HE was the one traveling with the lead on the job.

Meanwhile I was supposed to stay back, work from home, and continue doing "documentation" for one week.

Very interesting.

I remember sitting there thinking:

“What exactly is this?”

Only later did I find out that the head of our unit apparently did not allow women to travel for work trips. Only God knows for what reason.

Apparently he had done it to several women before me too, including women who had already left the organization.

No problem.

But this realization even came after another particular show I am about to narrate, which is actually the reason for this post title today.

I remember one day we were on the client’s site and I cried.

Yes, I cried.

Because this thing genuinely got to me. I could not understand it. The lead on the job kept nudging me, making indirect comments, mocking me, making fun of me.

And I was angry.

Very angry.

But I was trying to manage my anger.

So instead of exploding, I became overwhelmed and started crying.

And this mofo still continued making fun of me.

Then I remember he called the manager on the job. He thinks I do not know, but I overheard parts of the conversation.

And the manager basically said:

“I am the manager on the job, and I can do whatever I like. I will determine what I want to do and who is she to question my decision?”

At first, I genuinely thought maybe my mind was playing tricks on me from what I overheard on the phone call.

Only for another colleague from the office to later call me and ask:

“What exactly did you do to this man? Why is he so angry with you?”

And this colleague was giving me details.

That was when I realized:

Okay.

So that conversation was actually real.

The following day, after we returned from the client site, I went to the office and asked the manager if we could have a word aside.

And you know that pretentious corporate smile?

That pretentious bull.

“Can I have a word with you?”

“Oh yes, sure.”

Then I asked him directly:

“Do you have a problem with me?”

Immediately the smile disappeared from his face.

Blank.

And shocked

“Oh no, why?”

I asked:

“Do you despise me?”

He responded, “Oh no, why?”

“Do you have disdain for me in your heart?”

“No, why?”

“Have I ever done anything to you?”

“Oh no, why?”

Then I asked him, “So why do you dislike me?”

And then he started jittering with his words.

“Oh no, I do not dislike you.”

Then I said:

“Okay then why are you making these comments and saying these things?”

Then I asked him the actual question:

“Why did you remove me from the trip?”

And then finally he said it.

“Oh, you said you would fall sick.”

I said:

“What?”

“Motion sickness is not a sickness. It is a thing.”

Then he started with the manipulation and lies:

“Well, you know, you have to be careful how you say these things because for me, I do not want to put somebody on a job and then the person will go and fall sick…”

Blah blah blah.

And when I heard that, I just realized:

Oh.

So THIS is how you people think.

No problem.

But afterwards I started hearing comments like:

“You are too confrontational.”

And every single time I hear that phrase, all I can think of is:

“So, you want to gossip?”

Because I have realized that people LOVE the comfort of being far away from somebody and talking jazz behind the person’s back.

They love it.

They feel empowered there.

But the moment you carry their exact words and stand in front of them and ask:

“So did you say this?”

suddenly they want to shit their pants.

Suddenly they are uncomfortable.

Suddenly they are shaking.

Suddenly I am “too confrontational.”

What exactly is confrontational about asking somebody directly about something they already said?

So you wanted to gossip comfortably from afar?

Interesting.

And the funny thing is, I am actually not even a gossiping person.

In fact, if you ever hear that I said something behind your back, honestly, it is GOOD for you that I did not say it directly to your face because first of all, I am not even the type to obsess over people like that.

You are not my daily breakfast.

It is not that deep.

You are not that important.

Sometimes a discussion happens.

Your name comes up.

People talk.

Then life moves on.

You are not that special.

You are not that special.

You are not that special.

And even IF I actually said something about you, it is not because I cannot say it in front of you.

Please.

In fact, it might even be worse if I say it directly to you because I may very well double down and make it even worse.

So maybe it is actually better for you to hear it from another person because I promise you, if it comes from my own mouth directly, you might collapse.

Who do you think you are?

You are not that special.

It is really not that deep.

I promise you, you are not that special.

And another thing, I do not have time to threaten people.

If I say I am landing a table on your head, there is nothing like:

“Oh I WILL land the table on your head.”

That is future tense.

That is a threat.

As I am saying it, I am carrying the table to land it on your head.

Do you understand the difference? Always present tense.

There is no:

“I will show you.”

I do not have time for theatrics.

As I am showing you what I am doing, I am already doing it.

That is my point.

There is no confusion.

There is NO confusion.

There is no room for confusion about what I am capable of doing.

So if you want to gossip and say things behind people’s backs, then at least prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility that the person may stand in front of you and ask:

“So did you say this?”

Because if I am talking and somebody confronts me directly, there is no fear in my heart.

No fear.

I will not suddenly start shaking.

No freaking way.

If YOU know that somebody can ask you a direct question and you will suddenly become shocked and uncomfortable, then please, I beg you, do not gossip.

Because I do not bluff.

There is nothing like:

“Call my bluff.”

I am action now.

And when I say things like this, obviously I am speaking metaphorically. I am not violent. I am not going to hit anybody.

But honestly?

It might actually be better for you to receive a knock on your head than to receive what I can do to you with my mouth.