I AM TIRED! - A letter to God. (Part 1)

Dear God,

I think I'm tired. I know I'm tired. After many years in my life I don't understand why I have to keep explaining myself and who I am to people. I'm tired of people coming at me with their expectations of what they think I should be like or act like. I've had a number of people chat nonsense to me in the name of being friends and giving advice. People will be framing rude, inconsiderate, and very offensive comments as good advice and their two cents.

I hear these things and it becomes clear to me that they are only expressing their disgust of me but in a subtle way. It is not that I am actually doing anything wrong, only that they truly do not like me. If you don't like someone you can always just stay away. Don't make the person feel bad about who they are.

Even the best parts of my life I know I do so well, like singing, were not spared. We are not halfway through this year and I've had people say the meanest things to me framed as either a joke or "advice" from a friend.

I was told that my singing was so horrible and that I only needed to sing in the bathroom and I shouldn't ever think of producing music. I don't know why I suffer like this sometimes

I was told by another friend that he thought I sang better when I was about 14 years old than now and that now my voice is too piercing. When I immediately objected because musically, voices should and would grow and hardly do you find singers getting worse at singing, I was immediately questioned whether or not I liked critism

I've been told I'm fat and my neck is rolling.

I've been told eating on my socials makes me look bush.

I'm one of the most accommodating people on this earth and it is not because I don't have standards, only that with everything inside of me I address people with the most compassion I know I'm capable of giving.

I was bullied for most of my primary school days and junior high school days. I made it a point to live my life above those hard and painful experiences I did absolutely nothing to merit. Imagine having to fight a tough and painful past and try to live above it only to continue to encounter people who want to be opening old wounds.

Being skinny in the past was problem now gaining weight is a problem. I was told I didn't have a good voice then and someone is telling me I don't have a good voice now.

Isn't it amazing how people think I can't see. Your true desires are expressed by your choices and what you support and the people you choose to support. Is there an image you choose to be associated with ? Then go for it. Are there people you'd rather be seen with? Then stick with them.

I'm tired of being told I'm too much. I'm tired of being told to conform. I WON'T

Leave me and my fragile heart alone. Because I am tired.

God bless me with better people around me. Give me people that will bring me peace just as I am willing to give. Give me people who will relate with me with the most respect. Truly Lord I don't deserve this. I believe in you that one day and surely I will catch a break.

Amen.

I don't write these things because I want someone to pity me but because I know there are people like me who have gone through similar things. We are not strong but rather we are full; full because we have had enough and full because we are filled in that same instance with the love and acceptance of the Holy Spirit.

People like me and people like you who can relate with all the above, we too have been called. We have been called to not fit the status quo. Like Peter we wear fearlessly, our vulnerability on our shoulders and we are unapologetic about it and Jesus is always waiting to embrace us and walk with us and talk with us. We are not too emotional and there is nothing like being too emotional in the presence of our Abba Father. We have been told our comfort and confidence in who we have been called to be is a problem. When Jesus told Peter he was the rock on which He would build his church it also meant He would use his big loud mouth and vulnerability to do great things for the kingdom of God.

David was not called a man after God's own heart because he did not sin, but because God saw how desperately yearned for intimacy with him irrespective of whatever he was doing, good or bad. God saw how he was willing to be vulnerable and how he never hid this state of the heart and try to conform.

YOU ARE VERY OK. AND THERE NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. LOOK INTO GOD'S EYES AND BEHOLD THIS TRUTH